Kate: I used to wish I was dead

By ANTONELLA LAZZERI

Published: Today

KATE McCann has admitted that after daughter Maddie disappeared there were times she wished she and her family were dead.

Speaking just two days before the third anniversary of Maddie's abduction on May 3 2007 Kate revealed her agony was so great that she used to hope that her, husband Gerry and their twins S*** and A***** would die in an accident.

She said: "I used to have thoughts like we'll get wiped out in the car on the motorway. So it would just happen, we'd all be gone, and the pain would be away."

She says those thoughts eventually went away saying: "What I do know now for sure is that I don't want that. Things have changed. I am desperate to be here with S*** and A***** and to help find Madeleine."

Maddie was snatched from a holiday apartment in Praia da Luz, Portugal.

Today an angry Kate, 41, branded the Portuguese investigation into her daughter's disappearance a "farce".

She hit out at the fact that Portuguese cops are no longer looking for Maddie and that any new leads are ignored by them.

Kate said: "If this was a murder inquiry there'd be an active investigation because they'd want to find the perpetrator, but as it stands we have a perpetrator who's still at large and therefore puts, potentially puts, other children at risk, and we have a missing child. So why is there no active investigation?

"I think it's a farce."

Husband Gerry is equally as angry that the search for Maddie has ended, saying: "Officially for eighteen months and longer, law enforcement are not pro-actively doing anything to find Madeleine, and who took her, and I just think that is fundamentally unacceptable.

"Now we've been assured that if new information comes in it will be followed up.

"In fact the information that's come to light during the recent court cases have shown that almost every single piece of information that's gone to Portimao, the police station in the Algarve where the investigation is based, has been treated in exactly the same manner, which is being declared as not relevant."

In the past Kate and Gerry, from Rothley, Leicestershire, have avoided criticising the Portuguese police investigation into Maddie's disappearance.

But as the agonising third anniversary of her abduction looms the McCanns have made it clear how hopeless they think the efforts of some of the Portuguese cops have been.

Heart specialist Gerry, 41, said: "There have been very poor elements of the Portuguese investigation, and at the same time it's probably been one of the biggest investigations ever in Portugal.

"So we aren't tarring everyone, there have been individuals who, for whatever reason, have seemingly not wanted to find Madeleine. That's how it appears to us.

"So there are people who are clearly making it more difficult and there are others that in this country, for whatever motives, want to make it more difficult. There are many people who've tried to derail what we're doing along the way."

Kate says she fears that there may be other motives which have hindered the search for her daughter.

She admitted: "I also think there'll be some people who would be greatly embarrassed if Madeleine was found and that scares me. That scares me. That might affect their want, or not, for Madeleine to be found."

The McCanns are planning to spend this weekend quietly at home with Maddie's twin brother and sister S*** and A***** who are now five.

The family will attend their local catholic church on Sunday, the day before the anniversary, to say prayers for Maddie.

Talking about the twins Gerry said: "Their recognition that what's happened is morally very very wrong and that their sister should be at home with them.

"Needless to say S*** in particular talks about having an aeroplane and flying all over the world looking for 'that man who's taken Madeleine', and when he gets him he's going to rescue her and take his sword out."

Kate says she prays that whoever has her daughter is taking care of her saying: "You just hope that somebody who is looking after Madeleine, that she is now not at harm and she's getting love and happiness. That's all I can hope for."

She says she will never give up searching for Maddie saying: "You know in my heart I feel she's out there. I really do.

"And that, together with the feeling that I have of this not being over, of her still being there. The hardest thing obviously is how do we find her?"

Gerry admits that in the days after Maddie disappeared he thought the worse saying: "Early on we couldn't think of anything else but the worst case, that she's been taken, abused and killed and dumped, or maybe left seriously injured and dumped out in the freezing cold."

Despite the fact that they regularly attend the Catholic church near their home Gerry admitted that Maddie's abduction has made him question his faith.
He said: "If anything when this first happened it strengthened my faith. I felt that there was such support and I really felt that may have been God's work, that something good was going to come out of this. I had a lot more hope that this would lead to a relatively quick outcome."

But he admitted that as time has gone on his belief in God has faltered saying: "I'm struggling much more now, without a doubt, I think that for one child to have been the recipient of so many millions of prayers, you think well I do have my doubt.

"You think, well if those prayers were going to work, they should have worked a long time ago."

Source: The McSun http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/maddie/2954841/Kate-I-used-to-wish-I-was-dead.html

Interesting post by hobnob on MM: http://missingmadeleine.forumotion.net/main-maddie-thread-latest-news-f1/kate-i-used-to-wish-i-was-dead-t10204-15.htm

This is acually very telling and tells us the truth about Madeleine.


If, as they claim madeleine was and still is alive and suffering no serious harm why on earth would she wish the remaining family were dead and it was all over?
Surely if Madeleine were alive then kate killing herself and the family would make Madeleine an orphan thus causing even more trauma.

the only way this makes any kind of logical sense if if they know that Madeleine is dead and has been dead since the night she vanished/ was last seen alive by an independant witness.
You hear these comments from distraught , grief stricken people who have lost a loved one especially if it was in suspicious circumstances. What you don't hear these comments from is from parents with a missing child or family member.

Why on earth would you wish yourself and your family dead if you know or suspect your child is alive and in the hands of an abductor. At best you would be demanding they take you instead of the child ( especially in ransom cases - remember sahil's mom?)

This is a confession of sorts admitting that Madeleine is dead and they know it.
What we don't know from that is how or by whose hand but when we look back at the comment from an early blog of gerry's - DAY 117- 28/08/2007 - Tuesday

We do not know who has taken Madeleine or why. Sometimes people do things for reasons that even they cannot understand. An act of madness, an accident or sudden impulse can lead to consequences that people may never have imagined or intended. Faced with such a situation we believe any human soul will ultimately suffer torment and feelings of guilt and fear.

If you have done something you regret, if you find yourself in a situation you never
intended, it is not too late to do the right thing. Please come forward, return Madeleine, leave her in a place of safety. At the very least, help us by letting us know what has happened to our beautiful little girl.

This tells us that they know she is dead and have done from day one, it is not always what they say sometimes it is what they don't say or what they say in an unscripted situation.
They have no idea how a mom would feel with their child abducted, they can only go on what they have seen on tv and read in the press, the only real experience they have had is with people who have had a loved one die so that is what they are basing their responses on, it is how they think a person would react in that situation, and we all know that is a totally different reaction

jkh wrote:By ANTONELLA LAZZERI

Published: Today

KATE McCann has admitted that after daughter Maddie disappeared there were times she wished she and her family were dead.

Speaking just two days before the third anniversary of Maddie's abduction on May 3 2007 Kate revealed her agony was so great that she used to hope that her, husband Gerry and their twins S*** and A***** would die in an accident.

She said: "I used to have thoughts like we'll get wiped out in the car on the motorway. So it would just happen, we'd all be gone, and the pain would be away."

She says those thoughts eventually went away saying: "What I do know now for sure is that I don't want that. Things have changed. I am desperate to be here with S*** and A***** and to help find Madeleine."

If this article is meant to provoke sympathy for the McCanns, it does not work for me. I could well understand Kate wishing to kill herself after Madeleine disappeared but am horrified that she would also wish to kill her remaning two children.. I have spent nearly three years looking for signs of parental love and protection from the McCanns, and I just cannot see any. This article is all about Kates pain. Had she carried out her initial wishes, she would not have been able to be with the twins when she later changed her mind. It makes no sense.
The article appears to be saying that in the darkest moments after whatever happened around the 3rd May 2007, Kate had no hope at all that Madeleine would be found and returned to them, no hope that the abductor would contact them with ransom demands etc., no hope that any clues would be found which would lead to Madeleine being returned. There was an immediate finality about the situation which warranted a temporary desire to kill her remaining children.

I really do hope that this article is another silly attempt at journalism dreamed up by Ms Lazzeri.

jkh wrote:By ANTONELLA LAZZERI

She said: "I used to have thoughts like we'll get wiped out in the car on the motorway. So it would just happen, we'd all be gone, and the pain would be away".

For an example of just how deep this pain ran for them both, look at the photo of the McCanns and the twins in the playground picture taken a few weeks after Madeleine had been reported missing.

Both almost laughing like drains [sorry, can't post the photo].

Maybe Kate is especially skilled at hiding her pain and grief.

Alternatively...

Jill - thank you.

Do we, please, have a date for that revealing photo?

I'm looking very hard for the 'suicidal' pain, but I can't see it. Can anyone else?

Amelie looks a little confused about not being in the creche, but otherwise they all look happy enough.

Don't know the date of the pic, but according to AnnaEsse's blog it was taken at the zoo.

Tony Bennett wrote:Jill - thank you.

Do we, please, have a date for that revealing photo?

I'm looking very hard for the 'suicidal' pain, but I can't see it. Can anyone else?

Day 44 of Gerry's blog

http://www.gerrymccannsblogs.co.uk/screenshots/44new.jpg

Thank you, and very revealing.

'Day 44' was 16 June. That makes this event sandwiched between two of Dr Gerald McCann's most memorable quotes:

3 June 2007 (Day 31): "We want a big event to raise awareness that she is still missing…It wouldn’t be a one-year anniversary, it will be sooner than that".

28 June 2007 (Day 56) "I have no doubt we will be able to sustain a high profile for Madeleine’s disappearance in the long-term".

JKH,

Must agree with you there. They knew she is dead, hence their suicidal wish.

This is debated extensively on the dyfunct 3as when KM made similar remarks then.

One minute wanting to dead to be with her, next wanting to raise big awareness event, and sustain a high profile in the long term are all so telling.

Tony Bennett wrote:Jill - thank you.

Do we, please, have a date for that revealing photo?

I'm looking very hard for the 'suicidal' pain, but I can't see it. Can anyone else?

How disappointed you must be.