Lazzerie-lies-in-the-sun: Kate McCann spinning a yarn

I was searching (that word again) for material to add another ripping yarn to the The Teller's Tale: A study of retrofitting thread, I had it in mind to build on the extensive portfolio of McCann tales of the unexpected, their documented roller coaster ride of imaginary happenings to provide that 'good explanation for anything the police might or might not find'.

This hilarious piece by Lazzerie I came across - I think it worthy of repetition..

Kate McCann Spinning a Yarn

We all know Kate McCann loves to invent little stories, to either cover for something, or just because she can.

Dr Amaral once said that Kate McCanns book Madeleine, could become a piece of evidence. And indeed that day may yet come.

Likewise her diary, TV interviews, all that footage out there of all the tales and stories she has told, and Gerry too. Quite a pair.

Nine years since their child vanished, and no end to their tales. No sign of their drivel drying up!

In one respect, truly sad for Madeleine, but on the other hand, the day may come, as Dr Amaral said, when all that they have said and done, might become evidence, and Madeleine may just receive the justice she deserves, and all because her parents couldn't hold their tongues!

Funny old world!

Kate McCanns latest tall tales, got me thinking of previous ones. Lots out there to choose from. Some of which make you darn angry!

Today though, I wasn't going to allow the despicable duo to spoil my day, so I have chosen to highlight a story which made me laugh no end when I first read it - Kate McCann at her bonkers best!

So funny was her tale, that at the time I read it, I responded with the blog - Little People, responding in kind!

As silly season, in McCannland has come early this year, and St Paddy's Day fast approaching, Little People seems the perfect choice.

All sitting comfortably? See what you make of this tale taken from Kate McCanns book Madeleine.

LITTLE PEOPLE

"On Tuesday 8 May, we said an emotional goodbye to the family and friends who were leaving us, including my parents and Gerry’s mum. It was so sad, but we all knew it was for the best. We had been given a key to the church so that we could go there and pray whenever we wished. One night while we were praying, Gerry had an extraordinary spiritual experience. He suddenly became aware of a long tunnel with light at the far end of it. He felt himself enter the tunnel and, as he went deeper and deeper inside, it became wider and wider and brighter and brighter. He had never known anything like this before and he IMMEDIATELY interpreted it as a sign urging us to do absolutely everything within our power to find Madeleine OURSELVES. From that moment he was convinced that we needed to take the initiative to mobilise all the resources available to us.

His ‘vision’— I don’t know what else to call it—had a huge impact on Gerry. It laid the foundations of our organised campaign to find our daughter.'

Kate McCann – ‘Madeleine’'

END

Ah begorra, begorra Kate, that’ll have been his Irish side coming out, to be sure to be sure. Little mischief maker, is your tiny tears Gerry.

Now tell me darlin’ how was he dressed when he headed out to the church that night?

Was he wearing his best green overcoat, a tall green matching hat, a broad belt round his waist, big buckle, and highly polished brogues?

Had he not been shavin’ for a few days, a little bit of facial fluff, just enough to call a beard I’ll fancy? –always a dead give-away when the Little People are planning heading out for the night.

And did he insist when dining at the tapas bar/your back garden, that he sit on a toadstool?

Mushrooms for breakfast?

When he tried to kiss you farewell, Hot Lips, before setting out - Did his nose seem longer than normal, making contact more difficult …oopsy sorry, mixin’ up my Pinnochio’s with my Leprechauns!

Did he ask if you fancied a walk in the forest, Little Liars, sorry, Leprechauns love the forest, lots of places to hide things, old sports bags, stained pyjamas, pots of gold?

And was he stomping around doing little jigs, faster and faster losing control, his little legs taking on a life all of their own? (that's a leprechaun jog, he loves to jog does Gerry. You both do I hear. Heard you jogged up a hill, carrying picture of Madeleine, and begorra not one reporter/photographer, captured you at that moment? YI'm guessing that will stay with you the rest of your lives! So, you gave them the slip then? And there was all your supporters shouting, stamping their feet, saying that you both could not move in Portugal, without being photographed... you proved them wrong)

Nearly there, just a couple more things now darlin’ -

Had he been taking a keen interest in the weather forecast? Putting up his umbrella in the hope of rain?

Was there a rainbow over the church that day?

There was? – I knew it!

Shining brightly, flooding beams of coloured light through the glass roof, lighting up the pews, helping lead the little fella Gerry in the right direction? – no, no mrs, not the confessional box… keep your hair on ...deep breaths now…keep calm…in and out, in and out... pheww lucky I had that brown paper bag with me... I was about to say, 'leading him to his pot of gold!' Do you both have a fear of the confessional or something, don't like confessing stuff?' Lots of phobias these days, I guess that could be one!

Let me explain something to you, but before I do I should introduce myself, I’m Brian, King of the Leprechauns.

Gerry is not the man you think you married he’s a hybrid, half human, half Leprechaun, what you witnessed was him in Little People mode.

He leads a double life you see - a cardiologist, matters of the heart as you know darlin' and a

‘caun-ologist - No need to explain I'm sure what 'caunologists do!

Some of us ‘Cauns don’t have a heart did you know that, and we fool people?

That’s why at times you’ve been feeling he’s not like the other husbands, new men in your holiday group, and all that, he's just heartless, he can't help it! Upsetting you like that, walking off leaving you in the bar, how could he?

But to be fair to be fair, to be sure, to be sure, when you think of it darlin' you both walked off and left the kids, and they were upset, so do you really have cause to complain to throw a strop?

He's known to us Cauns, as Riverdance McCool! But if you see him jig, you'll realise it was a poor choice of name!

The Little People, money holds a fascination for us, to be sure to be sure, and to be a bit more sure, and precise –GOLD, gold nuggets, coins, and other treasures. But if pushed we accept monies from kids bake sales - any port in a storm! That’s why your TV was set for weeks, on the weather channel!

Let me explain:

Not much rain in Portugal that time of year, and he had to get his timing just right. That's why he was down the church such a lot - he'd been praying for rain.

Cos what comes after the rain?

The rainbow!

And what comes at the end of the rainbow? –

The pot!

And what do we find in the pot?

The booty…sorry mind wandered off there thinking Beyonce! The buxom OC aerobics instructor crossed my mind too – all the single ladies eh? Living proof some guys can multi task!

But it’s Gold of course!

The little hammers we carry, tis a myth we make shoes all night long, so no Jimmy Choos for you at Christmas – I could see this thought was running through your mind - and as running is what you do best, suspect you'll be doing so all your life – so maybe something more sturdy from Nike store would be more fitting!

But come St Patrick’s Day, you won’t be disappointed!

We use the hammers to crack the nuggets – not talking McDonalds here, no siree, not if you’re planning to live to be one hundred and three, and you’re no fool – but some of them are so huge they don’t fit in the pot so we have to give them a bit of a hammering break them up into tiny pieces, move them around a bit, pot to pot, until we make them of a size fit for our Fighting Fund Pot!

Fighting Fund? I hear you ask.

It’s the Ooompa Loompas, Willie Wonka’s henchmen, Willie runs a protection racket if we don’t pay in gold he sends them in! Always helps too if we buy a few bags of the big ‘’C keeps them sweet – and who doesn’t like candy?

Don’t tell the little guy I told you but he’s hidden away a couple of Hershey Bars. He sure wants to make St Paddy’s Day real special for you, it’s his surprise - Granny McCann and Aunty Phil they’ll be there too.

Phil loves St Paddy’s Day as you have probably noticed – Ger just don’t leave too much candy lying around we wouldn’t want her growing into a fat fairy!

Female Leprechauns are fairies did you know that?

And we don’t want you getting all emotional again when they have to leave, even though, you know it’s for the best, just like last time!

Not quite understanding though how your loved ones leaving was for the best? – Maybe the little man wouldn't have been able to concentrate on his VISION, with Phil (?) and his mammy around, too - to clip him round the ear for talking a load of crap – not forgetting granny Healy and grandpa too. Those McCanns as we’ve all heard you say - a noisy loud mouthed bunch! Say no more, no need to convince us of that, and maybe you just wanted to see the back of them?

So now you know, it was the 'Light of the Leprecaun' he went in search of!

As long as you know it was not divine intervention –never known the BIG Man upstairs to give us ideas on how to make cash, how to mobilise our resources – unless the collection plate being passed around counts?

Was it this that gave Gerry his idea?

Did he interpret the collection plate as a sign that HE could best manage resources HIMSELF to find Madeleine, financial and otherwise?

That he could manage his own "collection plate" so to speak, same as the Big Man?

Well Gerry does think he's God!

Funny that, as you have both been complaining an awful lot, from the early stages after Madeleine's disappearance about having to do things by yourselves,YET now I'm hearing this situation which you found yourselves, was in fact YOUR CHOICE, dictated by the vision, or Gerry's INTERPRETATION OF IT!

Did you inform the PJ of this, that you both decided to go it alone?

Did you tell the villagers in Praia da Luz about the miracle in the church?

"He had never known anything like this before, and he immediately interpreted it as a sign of urging us to do absolutely everything within our power to find Madeleine, OURSELVES!"

But to go it alone, to find Madeleine YOURSELVES - Did that not involve making some money first?

Good new then eh, that the vision happened SO early on, after Madeleine's disappearance, allowing you to lay the foundations for your money making campaign.

What if he’d had his vision 6 years down the line?

You'd have to have gone out and physically searched yourselves, if there was no money in the pot!

That vision, plugging that Fund, what a stroke of luck. The Lord works in strange ways!

What date was it, this vision?

We know you waved the family off on May 8th 2007 –they didn’t hang about long then, little Madeleine missing but 5 days, hardly had time to unpack then packed off home - but you don’t give the date of ‘Vision Day?’

You just say ‘one night’ this happened?

We know that by 8th May, money was coming in fast and furious to your Fund, could that have something to do with his ‘vision’ to go it alone?

What happened was so 'awesome' that you both must have been so excited, and the day, date, hour, minute minute it happened etched in your minds?

Will you share it with us?

Gerry especially I would think, will never forget that moment when he took his first steps into the tunnel towards the light!

It might even knock his 'proud father moment' into second place in the ratings!

I’m sure, like lottery winners, the date of his special day his vision, is now circled on the family calendar – a day for celebration!

Such a shame though he was not so supportive of your DREAM - that is, the one that sent him into a rage outside the Lisbon Court.

Gerry:

"I would like to make it absolutely clear that Kate has never had a dream that Madeleine was buried somewhere"

I'll bet, if you'd dreamed about Madeleine, happy, with a nice family, holding gold bullion, Gerry would not have gotten so annoyed!

Did you sort it out when you got home?

Which of you is telling the truth, because, err, err, you know, you DID say you'd had a dream about Madeleine being buried!

Did you give Gerry your tuppenceworth?

But movin' on -

It certainly sounds like a pretty special church - modern day miracles!

And SO much went on there. Heard the priest was a bit of prima donna, stomped off, something about his life being ruined, maybe he just isn't good at sharing?

Well, you were awarded your very own key of the church - begorra - services to the good lord I take it?

And of course, Gerry had NEVER experienced anything like this before (we're all with you there) - a vision of money flowing in to fund a campaign.

And he’d never lost a daughter before either!

This “miracle” allowed him to also demonstrate his entrepreneurial skills –

Alan Sugar would have been proud of him, you wouldn’t catch him saying ‘You’re fired’ to Gerry, the quick thinking apprentice, thinking of running a business right away, right after his daughter vanished!

But still, let’s not get too carried away – As long as YOU know it wasn’t the Good Lord working in strange ways!

To get a tip off like that, from the Big Man, you have to have been on your knees praying, for many more hours, days, weeks, months, years than old Riverdance - he was lapsed!

Let’s just chalk this one up to the 'luck o’ the Irish' yeah?

Now did Gerry tell you if he ever reached the end of the tunnel? - You've left us with a cliff hanger here:

"as he went deeper and deeper inside, it became wider and wider, brighter and brighter"

Sitting on the edge of my seat here, nails bitten down to me knuckles, then zilch!

He went in pretty deep then, we get that much.

But just how far down the tunnel did he go, just in far enough, and no more?

Was he in a trance like state?

What stopped him?

Did Hubbard appear, from the confessional box, scare Gerry?

Was it as soon as he saw the light that he immediately interpreted it's meaning, and he just turned around and came back, back to reality?

You've experienced a moment or a couple of moments like this yourself haven’t you darlin’?

One, when you immediately knew Madeleine was taken from her bed?

Couple of quick thinkers, I’ll give you both that – you hit the ground running!

But there’s something else I have to tell you - Leprechauns are little tricksters, always up to mischief. My man Riverdance (or your man Gerry) was only having a laugh.

There was no vision in the church!

You weren’t really suckered with that one were you?

Or, perhaps you were, as you put it in your book?

Then again maybe you thought you'd sucker the readers?

No, there was no vision, he just let the joke go too far – Under Leprechaun Law he will be punished for this!

Did he not know you’d included this story in your book, OR did he deliberately let you make an ass of yourself?

JK. mastermind of Potter, must have been rolling on the floor laughing.

You've got to admit though it is belly bustin' funny!

Funniest thing I've read in a while.

Riverdance pulled a blinder...you gotta give him that.

'Spiritual' indeed!

Oh there were spirits involved, but the tapas bar is another story for another time.

Mark my words though, he'll still be punished, unless you ask us to put it down to a mistake, in which instance we will shelve the case!

As long as we know that like Madeleine, you came to no harm by his actions (apart from being the butt of a few jokes) and other than that there is NO EVIDENCE that you have been harmed!

And you know what they say about us Irish -

When Irish Eyes are smiling sure it's like a morning spring. And of our smiles? The power in our smile, sure a stone we'd beguile.

I'm sure Gerry/Riverdance will charm you, beguile you with his winning smile, and you’ll forgive him…but don’t be goin’ sleepin’ in the kids’ room now, another one might vanish!

And talkin’ of your kids.

When they come to read the book, this vision/miracle - You are going to come clean (first time for everything) and tell them, its just one of your stories?

I suppose:

At best, they’ll be thinking their dad’s the next Harry Potter, a man of magic.

At worst – they’ll be telling their friends daddy is a miracle worker, that he can both walk on water, and turn it into wine!

OR, maybe they’ll just think the two of you are bonkers, stark raving bonkers!

Ya just don't know what kids are gonna think!

But hey, I guess there's a whole lot more in the book to be worried about, that your kids are gonna read!

You could blame the whole lot of it, on Gerry havin’ kissed the blarney stone once too often! Just an idea.

One last thing – us Leprechauns, if we are caught by humans we are allowed to bestow on our captors, in exchange for our release, three wishes – kinda like, get out of jail cards!

One day they might come in useful!

Yours

Brian, King of Leprechauns

l-azzeri-lies-in-the-sun.com
May 2013