The emotional life of the McCanns - by Dr Kate McCann

As background information to the current libel trial in Lisbon, here is a list of the emotional damage claimed by the McCanns as set out in their libel writ, and a list of some of the main descriptions of the emotional life of the McCanns, and Kate McCann in particular, as she has described her emotions in 'madeleine'.

Despite the extreme claims in the libel writ of the McCanns being 'totally destoyed' and 'irreparably damaged' by Dr Amaral's book, Kates's book, 'madeleine', ends on a much more optimistic note. The final chapter is headed: 'Adapting to our new life', and has a positive tone as Kate talks about her campaigning activities, speaks of how 'we have hope - real hope', and explains (last page of the book) how 'we have moved forward...we have grown stronger and adapted to our new life':

The claims made in the libel writ

The writ says of Dr Kate McCann that she is ‘deeply and seriously depressed”.

The writ goes on to describe both of the McCanns as suffering from:

• permanent anxiety,
• insomnia,
• lack of appetite,
• irritability,
• indefinable fear.

In the writ, the McCanns further describe both of themselves as:

• “totally destroyed”,
• “irreparably damaged”, and
• “totally destroyed from a moral, social, ethical, emotional and family point of view”.  


The emotional life of the McCanns as descibed in the book, 'madeleine'. by Dr Kate McCann

Flyleaf

‘difficult decision to publish’

p. 1

‘heavy heart’

‘ordeal’

‘sharing our ordeal has been very hard’

‘excruciating’

‘great distress’

p.2

‘appalling loss of our daughter…too much to bear’

‘only so much pain human beings can stand at once’

‘struggled to keep myself together’

‘incredibly upsetting’

‘overwhelming;

‘suffering terribly’

‘pain’

‘tortured myself’

p. 3

‘sacrifice of our privacy’

‘given too much of ourselves to the world’

p.4

‘my biggest worry’

‘a struggle’

‘four painful years’

p.5

‘heartbreaking’

‘my thoughts and extreme feelings

‘my whole life was clouded by despair’

p.18

‘heartbreaking and testing’ (trying for a baby)

p.22

(pregnancy test negative) ‘the physical pain of the blow that followed…back then I couldn’t imagine any pain worse than this…the crash to earth was hard…I cried and cried
and cried’

p.23

‘my distress, pain and anger’

p.31

‘brings bittersweet tears to my eyes’

p.38

‘cannot think of [the twins being born] without breaking down’

p.53

‘we bitterly regret our decisions not to take advantage of the creche’

p.54

‘our family’s tragedy’

p.57

‘it chokes me’

p.61

‘the thought of Gerry and me sleeping alone on this of all nights still makes me feel sad’

p.63

‘I’ve continued to blame myself’

p.66

‘heartbreaking’ (to look at the ‘Last Photo’ of Madeleine)

p.72

‘nausea, terror, disbelief, fear’

p.73

‘fear was shearing through my body’

‘tormenting me’

‘dark clouds closed in on me’

‘utterly distraught’

p.74

overwhelmed by fear, helplessness and frustration’

‘the intolerable pain inside me’

‘hitting out at things, banging my fists on the metal railings of the veranda’

p.75

‘my grief was so agonising and so personal’

‘shocked and angry’

p.78

‘the pain, terror and the suffocating helplessness I felt are indescribable. There just aren’t the words to adequately convey such torment

p.79

‘the sense of helplessness and agitation just kept on intensifying’

p.81

‘I couldn’t stand the thought of nothing happening while time marched inexorably onward’

‘the fear of Madeleine being dumped somewhere and dying of hypothermia started to hijack my thoughts…I felt Madeleine’s terror, and I had to keep vigil with her. I needed to be doing something…I wandered restlessly in and out of the room and on to the balcony…dawn broke…I couldn’t have allowed myself  to entertain sleep’

p.83

‘I had no appetite and my throat was constricted with anxiety’

p.86

‘my mind was teeming with horrific imahges’

p.89

‘immensely nervous’

‘I felt as if I didn’t exist’

‘horribly isolating experience’

‘our pain’

p.90

‘my terror mounting with every five minutes’

‘my body, as well as my mind, appeared to have locked down…I had no interest in eating…’

p.91

‘my body became more and more tense’

p.92

‘terrifying...[I was] crying hysterically’

p.93

‘I was only able to think about anything for a second at a time’

‘my already rocketing stress levels’

‘bizarre scene from a bad dream from which I couldn’t seem to wake myself up’

p.94

‘my stomach knotted’

‘huge crowd and incessant flashbulbs [were] incredibly intimidating’

p.95

‘pain, dread’

‘a sense of powerlessness’

p.96

‘lack of communication [was] traumatic’

‘frustration and anger were reaching boiling point’

‘I felt like a caged, demented animal. This was…torture of the cruellest kind…I erupted. I began to scream, swear and lash out. I kicked an extra bed…and smashed the end right off it…in tears, prostrate on the floor, sobbing like a baby, I felt utterly defeated and broken’

‘not slept for 42 hours’

‘I was completely exhausted and my whole body was racked with pain’

p.99

‘still feeling wretched and utterly abandoned by the [police]…’

‘verging on hysteria, we were incapable of comforting each other…we were struggling to keep our heads above water’

‘profound distress’

‘beginning to feel that there just wasn’t any way up’

p.100

‘desperately guilty…we struggled to bear that sense of guilt and we always will…’

p.101

‘fragility’

p.104

‘neither Gerry nor I was functioning remotely properly’

‘the family arriving unleashed fresh waves of tears’

‘[it was] hard to bear the distress of our parents. Witnessing our Mums being torn apart was absolutely heartbreaking’

p.105

‘overwhelming urge to swim out across the ocean, as hard and fast as I could…until I was so far out and exhausted I could just allow the water to pull me under and relieve me of this torment’

‘I shouted this out to anyone who happened to be in the room’

‘no outlet for the crucifying anguish’

‘somehow, inflicting physical pain on myself  seemed to be the only way of escaping my internal pain’

‘macabre slide show of vivid pictures in my brain that taunted me relentlessly…I could see Madeleine lying, cold and mottled, on a big grey stone slab’

p.106

‘I felt desensitized to everything around me’

p.111

‘I was beginning to feel numb, almost detached. From everything that was happening’

p.112

‘I was simply physically and emotionally drained’

p.113

‘[there was] no magic pill that could dull pain like this’

p.117

‘crucified’

‘gruelling week’

‘unrelenting agony’

‘painful heaviness in my chest and an unsettling dread’

p.118

‘we were all crying - it was just so awful’

p.120

‘my pain for Madeleine was just crippling me’

p.126

‘emotional wreck’

p.127

‘unbearable not being with Madeleine on her birthday’

p.128

‘Gerry choked up - the physical loss was more intense than ever, I ached for madeleine…’

p.129

(walk along the beach, Sunday 12 May) ‘unremitting cold dread and dark thoughts’

‘the anguish of not knowing’

‘I asked Gerry if he’d had any really terrible thoughts or visions of Madeleine…my awful pictures…her perfect little genitals torn apart…’

‘excruciating’

‘renewed waves of fear’

‘felt as though I’d embarked on a slow, painful; death’

p.130

‘agonising - I simply couldn’t rid myself of these evil scenes’

‘like an endless bad dream’

p.131

‘a monstrous mountain of bad luck’

p.132

‘running would help numb the torment’

p.133

‘cried like a baby’

p.137

‘not knowing where your child is, who she’s with…is a glimpse of hell…not knowing…about anything…that is or isn’t being done to find her…piles on the agony’

p.140

‘The last few years have been a crash course in the complete spectrum of human nature…’

p.143

‘a restless, anxious sense that we have to be doing something in connection with our quest’

p.144

‘incredibly difficult times emotionally’

‘we felt guilty about enjoying everything with the twins’

‘Madeleine’s absence was crucifying’

‘unshakeable unease that denies me any peace’

p.148

‘Gerry struggled to contain his  emotions and…only just held it together’

‘whenever we met friends for the first time since Madeleine’s abduction we…invariably broke down’.

p.160

‘I moved randomly from rock to rock, from shop to shop, the tears rolling down my face. I longed for it all to go away’

‘leaving Sean and Amelie behind in Portugal was even worse…shuffled from meeting to meeting, buffeted by crowds and dazzled by flashbulbs’

p.161

‘an aching sadness’

‘I’d rather not fly at all unless it’s absolutely unavoidable’

p.163

‘we remain in this limbo…everything feels far away’

p.165

‘our pain and suffering’

p.166

‘collapse minutes later into a blubbering wreck’

‘crying and wallowing I ngrief’

‘every action, every breath is polluted by anguish’

p.167

‘I became wobblier and wobblier…deluges of tears gushed forth…my red, swollen eyes and blotchy face…’

p.168

‘quite upset…dark thoughts have been creeping in

‘how can I carry on, knowing that her life may have ended like this?’

‘panic-stricken’

‘it is quite staggering how much stress the human mind and body can endure and still function on the same level…you can’t see how it is possible that you are still alive, and yet here you are, still breathing, speaking, moving’

p.169

‘…sliding down the slippery slope…crying in bed…the thought of Madeleine’s fear and pain tears me apart…’

‘tormented’

p.173

‘a wave of nausea’

p.175

‘…such a nervous wreck that I accepted a gin and tonic’

‘completely drained by the stress and see-sawing emotions of the afternoon’

p.176

(day she did an interview with Eleanor from The Tablet (Roman Catholic newspaper) and met five of their Amsterdam friends) ‘a fresh surge of pain’

p.177

‘I burst into tears…I cried’

‘would never again, until the day she came back, be able to laugh in public of feel pure, uncomplicated joy’

p.182

‘soul-destroying’

p.184

‘I was beside myself…it felt as if a cold, hard reality was hitting me with a sickening thud…my suffocating fear’

’I was livid’

p.185

‘That hurt...badly…’

p.187

‘close to the edge’

‘vulnerable’

p.192

‘poleaxed by a bolt from the blue’

p.198

‘gruelling’

‘[we felt] so destroyed, so consumed by our pain and fear…’

‘our role as Sean and Amelie’s parents had been compromised…we had all been robbed of so much’

‘maternal guilt often weighed heavily on my shoulders’

p.199

‘so engulfed by Madeleine’

p.200

‘plunged me into despair...endless tears, out-od-control hysteria and feverish sessions of prayer’

‘I could feel myself sinking lower and lower into a bleak and lonely place’

p.209

‘like a knife being twisted into my chest’

‘my eyes, so tired of tears, succumbed to them yet again’

p.220

‘like being at an endurance course run by sadists…’

p.223

‘we felt as if we had been completely cut adrift’

p.230

‘ice began to course through my body, driving out every endorphin and remnant of warmth…a heavy boot connected with my stomach and the ache in my chest was worse than I’ve ever known it. I was struggling for breath, almost as if I were being strangled…I started to cry. The crying built into seismic sobs. An unearthly sound, like the howl of a wounded animal was coming out of my mouth. The crushing pain in my chest intensified to the point where I thought I was going to die’

p.231

(Monday 3 September; Ricardo Paiva is coming to talk with them, and Alan Pike has returned to Praia da Luz) ‘We spent several hours talking about my low episodes’

p.233

‘extreme pain and distress’

p.235

‘these days are so painful, and everything is tinged’

‘how long can we go on living like this?

p.237

‘we felt hounded and trapped’

p.238

‘I had somehow floated out of my body’

p.244

‘my anger and ferocious maternal instinct’

p.248

‘anger bubbling below the surface’

p.252

‘I wanted to vomit. The world was not only cruel, it was mad…I was burning with the injustice of it all’

p.254

‘the monumental psychological pressure we were under’

p. 256

‘we were trapped within four walls, surrounded by hostility’

p.257

‘sheer terror’

p.258

‘full of a confusing mixture of relief, disbelief, oppressive sadness, piercing guilt and pain. The sadness, guilt and pain were dominant…my heart ached as it was torn away from my last geographical link with my little girl’

‘I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer’

‘my chest hurt, my throat felt swollen and my head began to spin… Gerry was being so strong, but I knew he was dying inside…’

‘Gerry was breaking, his voice tight as he fought [back] the persistent urge to bawl’

p.259

‘the chilling reminders of the harsh reality of our existence’

‘I cried and cried and cried’

‘p.267

‘close to exploding with exasperation’

‘Gerry was very stressed’

p.269

(on being offered help by Brian Kennedy, 14 September 2007) ‘I wanted to cry. Well actually, I did cry’

p.275

‘my brain…would wander unbidden down black and terrifying avenues. The demons had me in their grip and would torture me mercilessly with images too frightening and painful to share…’

‘..traumatic experiences…such heartache…deep wounds…a general state of shock and distress’

‘I couldn’t concentrate on anything’

p.276

‘when she was stolen, paedophiles were all we could think about, and it made us sick,  away at us’

‘tortured by nauseating images’

‘the idea of a monster like this touching my daughter, stroking her, defiling her perfect little body, just killed me, over and over again’

‘I would lie in bed, hating the person who had done this to us…I hated him…I wanted to kill him. I wanted to inflict the maximum pain possible on him…

‘I was angry and bitter’

‘I worried about Gerry and me. I worried that if we couldn’t get our sex life back our whole relationship would break down

p.277

‘pangs of pain and guilt’

p.279

(about the girl seen being carried by a Moroccan peasant) ‘the news…brought us crashing down’

p.280

‘devastated’

‘feeling more desperate for Madeleine now than I had at any time since that first night…’

p.285

‘deepened the ever-present sense of loss’

p.286

‘tough day emotionally’

(after seeing a headline: ‘She’s Dead’) ‘I got little sleep after that. I thought I would never be able to stop crying. The pain was crippling..’

p.287

‘profound distress’

p.294

(day they were in Brussels to talk about Amber Alert) ‘exasperated’

p.295

‘angry’

p.297

‘an emotional morning’

p.299

(their second visit to Brussels, 10 April 2008, when the PJ leaked a statement about Sean and Madeleine crying during the night of 2/3 May) ‘anger and frustration building…’

‘we were gutted’

p.302

‘exasperating’

p.303

‘distressing’

‘desperate’

p.304

‘the prospect was so awful’

p.312

‘distress’

p.316

‘galling’

p.318

‘unpleasant and distressing to hear what [Goncalo Amaral] was saying’

p.319

(on the news that Goncalo Amaral was going to publish his book) ‘I spent many days in tears, sobbing att he injustice being done to Madeleine…’
‘
I felt so incensed’

‘I thought I wouldn’t get through the pain and anger’

‘utterly frustrating’

p.320

‘our suffering and pain continues’

‘struggling to cope with all this’

p.322

‘unsettled and agitated’

p.323

‘upsetting’

‘it broke my heart’

‘I cried for hours’

p.324

‘I despaired

p.325

‘the discovery of each missed opportunity was like a knife in my chest’

p.326

‘depressing’

‘staggered’

p.327

‘my frustration and despair

p.328

‘chilling’

p.332

(after excerpts from her diary were published in the News of the World’) ‘the familiar heavy sensation in my chest returned’

p.333

‘extremely traumatic’

‘I felt as though I’d been mentally raped’

‘I felt like climbing into a hole’

p.336

‘these attacks stirred up terrible emotions in me’  

‘it was as if my whole body was trying to scream, but a tightly screwed-on lid was preventing the scream from escaping

p.337

‘I was howling internally’

(on arriving in Chicago to be interviewed by Oprah Winfrey) ‘I was overcome by nerves’

‘my nervousness intensified’

‘I was emotional’

p.339

‘exasperated’

'desperate’

p.340

‘I wasn’t sure I had the strength for another battle. It was so frustrating’

‘heartbreaking’

p.344

‘a lot of anger, exasperation and hurt…’

‘everything hit me full in the face...the pain, the injustice, our life’

‘I started to cry and couldn’t stop’

p.345

‘horrible experience’

p.346

‘totally drained’

‘unsettling’

(after she receives news that Goncalo Amaral has had the book ban lifted by the Court of Appeal) ‘everything flipped…we were hit with a bolt from the blue’

p.347

‘I felt utterly beaten’

‘reeling’

p.348

‘absolutely soul-destroying’

‘outraged’

p.350

‘traumatic experiences’

‘resentment;

‘consumed by my own grief’

p.351

‘preoccupied and consumed’

‘it was a long time before I was able to allow myself to take any real pleasure in anything - how could I possibly take pleasure in anything without my daughter’

p.352

‘distressing’

p.354

‘a wave of guilt’

‘my life is weighed down by guilt: guilt for what happened to Madeleine, guilt at surviving this whole horror, guilt that our family…have had to experience any of it, guilt for not being quite the person or wife I once was and guilt about taking even five minutes for myself’

‘a heavy load to carry around’

‘most acute pain’

p.355

‘sad’

p.357

‘I am now very self-conscious in public places’

p.360

‘I feel much more vulnerable than I did four years ago…

‘my anxieties for Sean and Amelie have escalated’

p.362

‘how can so much suffering and injustice be heaped upon one family? It is said that God only gives you a cross He knows you can bear. Well ,I’m afraid this cross has been far too heavy for far too long’

I'm feeling highly emotional after reading that lot!

:puke:

And all because kate fears the truth getting out,and I think it will do in the end.

I haven't read the book and reading through those comments, I can't begin to tell you the point at which Kate starts describing her emotions on the night Madeleine disappeared. 

If you are subjected to a traumatic event, your brain shuts down everything superfluous to concentrate on getting you through what your brain perceives as danger. Your emotions are locked down. Yes, you are hit by a tidal wave of emotion after the event but while it is happening you feel nothing.

The other thing that strikes me is that list reads like Kate has rummaged through a thesaurus and picked out all the synonyms for pain. There's no real emotion behind what she has written.

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Absolutely tragic.

A copy of this list must definitely be sent to Goncalo Amaral and to his lawyer.

It's particularly interesting when the dates of happy photos are known and then compared with the accounts in the book for the same date.

So for 12th May 2007 we have the McCanns coming out of church looking as if they've won the lottery while the book has the very inappropriate parental comment about it being "unbearable not to love and please her and enjoy her delight".

I would say that Kate is away with the fairies but she's too far gone even for them.

Joana Morais knows Amaral's e-mail address.

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So tragic
Absolutely destroyed

p.360

‘I feel much more vulnerable than I did four years ago…

‘my anxieties for Sean and Amelie have escalated’
________________________________________________

"to be honest, my anxieties that Sean and Amelie will find out that, that they too were at the same total risk, as Madeleine was, when i left them alone with Madeleine, my choice, while i was totally out of sight drinking with my friends."

I believe in the authenticity of some of these feelings, but not all, because the photos give the lie to the more extreme emotions.

   Interesting religious imagery,

    agony,[ agony in the garden] , the isolation in the suffering, being hounded by people,   crucifying, crucified,  bearing a heavy load  [whilst not devoutly religious, I have always felt uncomfortable hearing people use " crucified" to describe physical or emotional pain and I am especially surprised that Kate would use this word , given her deep faith and her being a practising Catholic].
knife in my heart brings to mind many of the images of Our Lady of Sorrows with the daggers in Mary's breast.

 I find this language at best disturbing [ even if genuine] , if it has the motivation of manipulating the reader, it is repulsive and deeply offensive.

I continually see Kate desperately trying to portray herself as the suffering saint, talking as if she`s comparing herself to the mother of Christ, (see picture PM posted a few days ago of her posing as the wan, forlorn virgin mary).

Woofer wrote:I continually see Kate desperately trying to portray herself as the suffering saint, talking as if she`s comparing herself to the mother of Christ, (see picture PM posted a few days ago of her posing as the wan, forlorn virgin mary).

Would be interesting to hear at some stage how the monicker Hot Lips came about. 

plebgate wrote:

Woofer wrote:I continually see Kate desperately trying to portray herself as the suffering saint, talking as if she`s comparing herself to the mother of Christ, (see picture PM posted a few days ago of her posing as the wan, forlorn virgin mary).

Would be interesting to hear at some stage how the monicker Hot Lips came about. 

Here's a reminder:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-483392/Kate-McCann-renowned-alcoholic-binges-university.html

Thanks CB - had forgotten all about that.

Hot Lips, binge drinking, dancing on table.

What was the song she used to sing in the car - Don't Cha. by the Pussy Cat Dolls. 

Everything they claim is somewhat negated by Kate selling details of their sex life to the Sun.

Cristobell wrote:Everything they claim is somewhat negated by Kate selling details of their sex life to the Sun.

And using language like `f...... t...er`

plebgate wrote:Thanks CB - had forgotten all about that.

Hot Lips, binge drinking, dancing on table.

What was the song she used to sing in the car - Don't Cha. by the Pussy Cat Dolls. 

That song was supposedly sung by Madeleine before she was 2 years old..........

It is better that at least Gerrry comes forward with the truth. I don't see any possibility for a lawyer to keep them out of jail.
And if Kate is so unstable, he ought to protect the siblings.
I fear for their lives.

marconi wrote:It is better that at least Gerrry comes forward with the truth. I don't see any possibility for a lawyer to keep them out of jail.
And if Kate is so unstable, he ought to protect the siblings.
I fear for their lives.

Be careful
Mr Wrong will not see, or report, the bit about Kate being 'unstable' but he will contact the NYP saying that you said 'i fear for their lives'

jeanmonroe wrote:

marconi wrote:It is better that at least Gerrry comes forward with the truth. I don't see any possibility for a lawyer to keep them out of jail.
And if Kate is so unstable, he ought to protect the siblings.
I fear for their lives.

Be careful
Mr Wrong will not see, or report, the bit about Kate being 'unstable' but he will contact the NYP saying that you said 'i fear for their lives'

Don't give TM any more ideas on scamming the masses, Jean.  

Reading through that list from Kate's book, it's difficult to see how exactly the anguish allegedly caused by Amaral's book is actually any different to any other day in the life of KM

suzyjohnson wrote:Reading through that list from Kate's book, it's difficult to see how exactly the anguish allegedly caused by Amaral's book is actually any different to any other day in the life of KM

I agree suzyjohnson, does it not also make you wonder what is in Kate's makeup after all?  She seemingly 'had it all' - the profession ergo the big house, several holidays each years, social standing,blessed with  children, strong family ties, friends, social life, blah de blah..  Methinks Kate had serious issues well before GA had even heard of her.

To paraphrase the words of Mandy Rice Davies.." Well she would say that wouldn't she"

For those who are not familiar with this idea, and to get a picture of the McCann's switching positions on this, just Google the above: "Victim Triangle, or Karpman Drama Triange" and see how well it fits. then take a look at how they switch from Victim to Rescuer to Persecutor.