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A very British Royal Wedding... and the bride wore a burka!

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A very British Royal Wedding... and the bride wore a burka!

Post by Guest on Sat Nov 20, 2010 2:00 pm

This is quite funny, and Kate & Gerry McCann get a mention to!

A very British Royal Wedding... and the bride wore a burka!

By Richard Littlejohn
Last updated at 12:03 PM on 20th November 2010

Dateline: some time in 2011...
As a celebration of modern Britain, ­designed to reflect the Age of Austerity and Diversity, yesterday’s Royal Wedding was an unqualified ­triumph.

The marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton catapulted the monarchy from the last century into the second decade of the new millennium.

This was a break with tradition on an epic scale, carefully choreographed to bring our future King closer to his multicultural subjects.

It began with the couple’s ­decision to reject their initial choice of Westminster Abbey in favour of the Finsbury Park Mosque.

For the first time in history, the ceremony was conducted in the street because the building had been sealed off by the anti-terrorist squad.

In line with the desire of Prince Charles to be defender of all faiths, the Archbishop of Canterbury agreed to stand aside in favour of Sheikh Abu Hamza, recently released from Belmarsh Prison with a £5 million compensation package.

As the wedding ring dangled from his diamond-encrusted left hook, Sheikh Hamza pronounced the infidel couple ‘man and chattel’ and prayed for jihad.

The bride was resplendent in a designer burka from the Kate Moss Intifada Collection at Topshop. Prince William shunned Savile Row and wore a single-breasted suit from the Jamie Redknapp range at M&S.

They were attended by best man Prince Harry and Matron-of-­Honour Sally Bercow, who contributed a non-stop Twitter feed throughout the service.

This was the first Royal Wedding not to be broadcast on the BBC. In an attempt to reduce the cost to the public purse, the couple sold exclusive rights to Hello! magazine in a deal reported to be worth £200 million.

As rain lashed down, the congregation huddled under their prayer mats. Lord Elton of John had offered to reprise his performance of Princess Diana’s favourite song, Candle In The Wind, but it was felt that Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting would more accurately reflect life in today’s Britain.

The star-spangled guest list included Lord and Lady Beckham; Sir Stephen Fry; Gerry and Kate McCann; Paul and Rachel Chandler; Mr Wayne Rooney and two prostitutes he picked up in the bar of the ­Marriott Hotel; Sir Simon Cowell and Sir Piers Morgan OBN.

Also in attendance were the Prime Minister and his wife Samantha; Lord Mandelson and the Lady Reinaldo; Sir Winston Silcott; Mr and Mrs Jeremy Clarkson; and that Geordie bird from The X Factor who used to be married to a footballer and now does shampoo adverts.
Countless other celebrities included Strictly Come Dancing’s Ann Widdecombe; Sir Oswald and Lady Sharon Osbourne; Binyam Mohamed; Lord Winner of Dinner; Mr Dizzee Rascal; The Hon David Walliams; and Lady Gaga. The Commonwealth was represented by Australia’s cultural ambassador Sir Les Patterson; Mr Anjem ­Choudary, of the Anglo-Pakistani Kill The Kuffars Co-ordinating ­Committee; and Mr Robert Mugabe.

Sir Gerald Adams, of the Provisional IRA, sent his apologies.

On behalf of the American Tea Party movement, Governor Sarah Palin had intended to present the royal couple with an autographed, leather-bound copy of her latest book, Going Commando. Unfortunately, she can’t tell the difference between England and Canada and turned up in London, Ontario, by mistake.

Because of the restrictions upon numbers, many members of the extended Royal Family, including the Duchess of York, were disappointed not to receive invitations.
Prince Andrew was overseas, playing golf, and the Princess Royal said she was unable to attend, due to the fact that she had a more pressing engagement — watching the box set of Downton Abbey.

However, Princess Michael of Kent was able to obtain a large number of tickets, which were ­mysteriously made available on the internet for £10,000 a pop.

This may explain the presence in the front row of several women of a certain age, soon to feature in the new television series, The Real Housewives Of Berkshire.

After the service, there was a minor hitch when the newlyweds returned to their limousine, only to discover that it had been clamped and towed away.

Originally, they had intended to travel to Finsbury Park by Tube, to demonstrate their commitment to cutting carbon emissions, but this was ruled out when Sir Robert Crow, of the RMT, decided to mark the happy occasion by calling a 24-hour strike on the Underground.

Instead, the wedding party set off on a fleet of Boris Bikes, provided by the Mayor of London.

Millions of well-wishers lined the route, waving Union flags and ­placards reading: ‘British Royal Family Rot In Hell: Islam Will Rule The World’ and ‘Stop The Tory Cuts’. They threw confetti and fire extinguishers.

Street parties and fireworks ­celebrations the length and breadth of Britain were cancelled on elf’n’safety grounds, although plumes of black smoke could be seen rising into the air from huge bonfires of old tyres on dozens of illegal travellers’ camps - just like every other day of the week.

Safety officers from Westminster Council also put a stop to the planned 21-gun salute in Green Park. And a fly-past was cancelled on the grounds that the RAF doesn’t actually have any aircraft these days.

Eventually, despite being delayed by ongoing roadworks on the new M4 cycle lane, the wedding party arrived at the reception at Gordon Ramsay’s Heathrow restaurant.
The bride’s mother was able to negotiate a substantial discount, thanks to her long-standing ­connections with the airport.

Guests trod the red carpet to light-hearted jeers of ‘Scab’ from former colleagues of Mrs Middleton in the cabin crew union who were mounting a gala picket line outside ­Terminal 5.

After a light wedding breakfast of Turkey Twizzlers, halal sausage rolls and Bacardi Breezers, guests were treated to a cabaret hosted by Sir Jonathan Ross and Sir Russell Brand, who read out the ­telegrams and jokingly informed Prince ­William that they’d both slept with his bride.

Order was finally restored when the Loyal Toast was proposed by Sir Johnny Rotten, who led the throng in a rousing chorus of God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols.
Sadly, The Queen herself was not present. She decided to give the reception a miss because it was way past Philip’s bedtime and also because she refused to pass through the new security scanners at the airport.

These X-ray machines can see through clothing and leave nothing to the imagination.
Her Majesty’s place was taken by Dame Helen Mirren, who had no objection to being stripped bare by the scanners. Everyone’s seen it all before, anyway.
The reception ended with the National Anthem being sung as a duet by SuBo and that bloke from the Gocompare adverts.

As revellers departed, pausing only to buy souvenirs from a stall set up by Sir Paul Burrell, bailiffs arrived to repossess the restaurant for non-payment of bills.
Chef Ramsay told them to ‘f*** off’.

The Royal newlyweds left to board a Ryanair jet for a honeymoon at an undisclosed destination, via an unscheduled stopover in Bratislava, accompanied only by 200 journalists and camera crews.

Makes you proud to be British …

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